The Tough Stuff

Disclaimer: This is a really long post so you may get bored. It is also somewhat of an emotional-vomitting of a lot of things, so be warned! A big reason that we are writing on this blog is so that we can look back and remember this time in our lives... this post has many details that a lot of people probably don't really care to read but I want to remember the journey and how far we've come when we look back one day!

I had expected that dental school would be the toughest thing we would encounter once we moved, but I hadn't really thought of all the other things that would change in our life... we moved for dental school so that was the main thing on our radar! Stephen is doing SO well. He is seriously killing it--passing every test well above average (and close to if not the high score!!), and doing fantastic on his labs where they've been learning to fill cavities. I am so proud of him and how well he has juggled school and worked so hard! I cannot imagine being so dedicated to school for four more years but I am so thankful that he is. He has definitely made that part look very easy, although I know it is not.  Our schedules have settled into a nice routine, we have adjusted well, and our busy schedules make our time together even more special!

Overall, though, our move has been tougher than I would have thought. The things I expected to be really tough haven't been too bad, but a lot of things have surprised me. Since I lived in Florida for three and a half years for college and it basically went really well, I thought that moving an hour and a half away would be pretty easy. I was wrong!  Since I'm married, a little older now (okay a lot older), and closer to home, I thought that I wouldn't be as homesick. But I have really struggled with missing our family and friends, and not making it to a lot of their fun events. And now that I'm going to be an aunt, I know it's just going to get even more difficult! At first, we went home a lot. But after spending five full weekends in a row away from home and working/going to school full time during the weeks we were totally exhausted. Now we are trying to balance that out a little better and have met family halfway, they have come to visit us, and we can still go home a good amount without wearing ourselves out. That is working out really well and helping us not feel so homesick! Last weekend we were able to go home on Sunday and surprise a lot of our family which was SO MUCH FUN. It was a great visit and we had a blast with everyone!

Winter has always been a dreary time for both of us, and this year it has been even worse--since we don't know the area as much, we haven't found as many places to go for walks and ride bikes, and with the sun setting so early and me working late, it seems like we spend every evening at home without much fresh air or sunshine. I am so excited that the days are getting longer and warmer so that we can fill more of our free time with activity and sun!

For me, my job has definitely been the most difficult part of our move. When I first found it, I was so thankful that the Lord had provided it quickly and I could start on Stephen's first day of school! It worked so perfectly that we could spend all of our time off together before he started, and then my job search ended and I could start working rather than spend time alone at home, while we knew very few people here.

There were some questions in my mind when I first started... the job description was somewhat open ended but I enjoy learning new things so I didn't think it would be an issue. Overall, it was exactly the type of job I had hoped for--I wanted to be an executive assistant, and even though this job didn't possess that specific title, I was going to be assisting the President and the CFO of a busy, fast growing organization. For the most part I really enjoyed my tasks. I like keeping track of a lot of projects, and I really like completing them and moving on to new ones. Seeing items get checked off of my to do list makes my heart leap with joy! :)

However, as I moved further into this position I realized there was SO very much to learn and it wasn't coming easily for me. This company is made up of around 100 LLCs where properties/businesses are held and each one functions on its own. It's a lot to keep track of and a whole lot to figure out when you're first learning. It took me a solid 3-4 months to figure out what a lot of the businesses were and once I made it to that point, the learning curve wasn't quite as steep.

In all of that though, my bosses have a different philosophy of learning and working than I do. I like to receive instruction prior to jumping into projects and am most definitely a visual learner. They are more of the type to expect you to dive right in and start on a project and then make corrections as you go, and any instructions they gave were always verbal. I typed up a lot of notes to help myself tie the loose ends up in my mind which helped, but I really hate going into projects without any direction. To me, it is a waste of time to do work and then have to keep going back and doing it over again to fix it, if I could've known where it needed to end up from the start. I also had a hard time getting my bosses to stop and help me once I got to the place where I really needed instruction. They have a lot going on and didn't always want to stop and help me. So that left me feeling rather paralyzed--I was supposed to be accomplishing these tasks but I just didn't know how to do them and they wouldn't help. I couldn't do my job well or what I feel is efficiently--two things that are very important to me!

My style of work is to work hard each day and prepare for the future so that few emergencies arise. I like a consistent level of work, not doing a little work here and there and then freaking out and working like a fiend when things blow up. My supervisors function very well under this type of crisis mode though and are not quite as good with the even keel, day to day work pace. So that was a struggle for me as well, and it really stressed me out!

Further into my stent, I realized that these two bosses butt heads a lot. They disagree on how things should be done and many times one would give me a task, the other would ask what I was doing, and then proceed to tell me I should do it a different way. Paralyzed again. My love of checking off to do lists became so frustrating. I would go home feeling as if I hadn't accomplished a single thing and had spun my wheels all day.

Since my desk was also the reception desk at the front of the office, I was constantly fielding phone calls and visitors, as well as being interrupted by friendly coworkers who passed by and wanted to chat. This inefficiency began to slowly drive me crazy. I talked with the President and asked that we make some adjustments to my position because I really felt as if I was not being an asset to the company with how things were going, and there was so much going on at the front desk that although I was really busy, I wasn't able to spend the time I needed to on the bigger tasks that really needed to accomplish when there were so many interruptions. He had some good ideas and big plans to make changes, and said that previous employees in my position had dealt with the same struggles. He decided to start working more closely with me to help me learn, and in the process gave me additional work and began to use me more as his assistant. The plans for him to work more closely never really came to fruition though as he is a very busy man, so I was left with more confidential work that had to be done at the front desk and none of the other things I was struggling with changed.

All of this really began to wear on me and frustrate me. Sometimes I cried at lunch or when I got home at night. I thought that this was supposed to be the perfect job and exactly what I wanted! I had planned to be a wonderful wife, supporting Stephen through dental school and keeping everything at home going too. But I couldn't do it! I was getting home much later than him every night, and he was usually cooking dinner for us and keeping the other chores up too. I didn't understand why God had opened the door to this job so wide if I wasn't supposed to have been there.

I spent a couple months trying to make it work after I met with my one boss, then I had a conversation with both bosses and said that we really needed to make some changes. I told them that I would be able to accomplish the bigger tasks they gave me if I had an office away from the front desk and interruptions. They had already been working on plans to outfit some more individual offices and decided to make one of those mine and hire a receptionist for the front desk. I felt that we were moving on a good path and that things would get a lot better. However, a few weeks after seeing the forward motion of the plans for construction start to die off, I got nervous that this change wouldn't take place as quickly as we had once thought.

In the middle of all of this, the time came for me to produce my boss' annual Personal Financial Statement. It is a 22 page spreadsheet filled with most of the aforementioned LLCs and all of the numbers and calculations that go along with each one (future market value, percentage ownership, outstanding indebtedness, percentage outstanding indebtedness, percentage equity....). It's an incredibly detailed spreadsheet with formulas connecting cells and pages, and it's sent to multiple banks and used for the whole year so it's very important to get it right the first time. Although this was a very important project, all of my struggles with the smaller projects were true of this one... lack of instruction, no one had time to help me, and I couldn't really get much done until BOOM one day my boss walks in and it is time to do this thing! Well crisis mode here we go, and I don't handle that well! It was a week or more of this panic mode, and most of the time he was out of the state for meetings and trying to tell me over the phone what changes needed to be made without a copy of the document in front of him. I would try to read it to him between people walking past my desk talking to me and phone calls coming in, and in my flustered state trying round to the nearest number because he hates hearing the full number, I would state thousands as hundreds or make other glaring mistakes and we both wound up frustrated. Finally, he got back into town and we spent about 6 hours over the course of two days holed up in a conference room making adjustments, printing out clean copies, and making more adjustments. Thankfully we reached a point where he felt confident in it and I was able to finalize the whole thing and send it out!

After I finished the PFS I realized that this job just wasn't for me. I am not the right fit for their company and they need to get someone in there who can roll with the punches and work they way the like to. I internalize stress and other things I was dealing with way too much and it was taking over my life... poor Stephen, I couldn't think or talk about anything else. My mind was constantly playing situations from work and I was always frustrated. We prayed about it A LOT. We talked with our parents and siblings, tried to get a lot of input and advice based on other people's experiences and finally decided that the Lord was leading us in a different direction. So, we decided it was time for me to let them know that I was going to have to leave. I met with my boss one Friday afternoon and told him that I was going to have to quit, and it killed me to do it but I knew that it was the right thing for me. He (rather quickly) came up with a scenario he wanted me to try: he would move me upstairs into my own office, right next to him, to be his executive assistant and I would no longer be the receptionist or the CFO's assistant (thus taking away the interruptions of the front desk and tug of working between the two of them). We went back and forth for a while but I told him that I would be willing to try that for the next two weeks (which I knew I had planned to work anyway), and he said that if it didn't work he wouldn't try to convince me to stay again.

Stephen and I were really hopeful that this situation was going to work out well. I really didn't want to jump back into applying for jobs and honestly I was so burnt out that I had no idea what I wanted to do next. This type of thing is all I have ever done and I don't know how to look for anything else, but this job had really made me question my abilities and also my desire to work alongside another human being ever again. I went back to work the next week excited about the possibilities and spent that week collecting an entire office full of technology the IT team had ordered for me to move to the empty office. It was my dream come true. I love technology and here I was with a brand new computer, two huge screens, a new printer, wireless keyboard and mouse... the whole shebang. I was even able pick out my own brand new office chair! In an office where one of the longest standing employees didn't get a new chair until she had been there 30 years, and the only other "new chair" came from an office that had been on fire, this was a big deal! But, that whole week I still had to spend at the front desk while I waited for my new equipment to arrive, doing all of my normal responsibilities, but added to that was dealing with the awkwardness with my other boss who was told I was no longer her assistant because I couldn't stand working with her, as well as the new tasks that I earned by being an executive assistant. By Friday, Stephen and I had decided that it was possible that things would get better with me being in my own office, but I felt like I had gotten so emotionally wrapped up in everything that I couldn't really see things without the struggles completely clouding my view. So, I once again told my boss I was quitting. This time I wrote him a letter with all of my reasons, but ended it with my thanks for him teaching me so many things and explained how much I would miss being part of that office family that I had grown to love. Stephen, the incredible husband he is, also wrote a really sweet letter from his perspective and we gave them both to my boss. He said he completely understood and although he really wished it would work out, he was not going to try to convince me to stay.

Last week I spent my time wrapping up everything I could and getting things into place for my replacements. I hope that they will be able to pick things up easily and that maybe dividing the responsibilities into two roles will help them be able to focus on certain areas more and not feel as bogged down as I did. Honestly, it helps me feel a lot better about the reality of these struggles knowing that two full time people will be hired to do what I have done for six months. And I do have to admit that I loved working in my own office and felt as if I could accomplish SO much more there! That almost persuaded me to try to stay, but I really didn't want to have to quit my job for a third time.

I am now unemployed, as is Stephen. This is definitely not where I expected us to be. I still wonder why God allowed me to be in this difficult position, only to have it end after six months. But, I am trusting that He wanted to direct me to something completely different, something that I really don't have any idea yet of what it will be like, but that He is going to show us what step to take next. I truly believe that the Lord has been telling us that I needed to step out on faith and leave this position and wait for Him to provide for us. To me, it seems like an unwise step, and part of me feels as if I have failed. But when I think back to this job, honestly I wasn't happy. I really tried to be but there was a lot of guilt-tripping and passive aggressive behavior in that office, along with the struggles with the work and it is a major relief to leave all of that behind. I want God to work in my life and teach me to trust Him, and if everything is easy I don't need to trust! So I am thankful that He has brought us to this place. And I hope that we can be a testimony of His grace and goodness throughout the tough stuff that comes our way!

I have been doing a ladies Bible study this semester going through Philippians. The topic is Joy and I really hoped that simply studying about it would infuse my life with greater joy. The study hasn't really done that, although it has been great. Honestly, it has been a really tough time when I haven't really wanted to read my Bible or choose to be joyful in all situations. But I think it has been perfect timing... when we pray for certain characteristics to define us, God doesn't just grant us those requests and make us these awesome holy people. It is through trials and struggles that he refines us. I believe that I have been studying joy, and these different struggles have been the tests that go along with it. I hope that what I have learned can be applied in my life further down the road and that these tests have taught me that God is always with us and guiding us, and we can joyfully trust him throughout even the most painful experiences!

One really awesome thing that I have already seen is how close this trial has drawn Stephen and me to one another. He has been so incredibly supportive and has taken over a lot of things around the house because I've been so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't keep up with it all. I feel like through this we have learned how to communicate better, understand more about each other and how we think/process things, and are generally closer and better friends. I wouldn't trade that for anything, and if it meant six months of struggling at work to help our marriage grow, that is a positive!

We don't know what's next for us, but this break has come at a great time. I need some time to sit back and refocus and figure out what I would like to do next. I will also be able to spend Stephen's whole spring break with him! I am excited to see what God has in store for us next and am trusting that His plans are always for our good!

I will leave you with my prayer of how I would like to become more like Christ through this situation:

Philippians 4:6-10, 11-13: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

~ Buckwheat